


poison and wine

by redqueenofprima



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 18:10:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2357387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redqueenofprima/pseuds/redqueenofprima
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You miss him," Cameron stated, grazing his fingertips along Julian's jawline. Julian's eyes fluttered shut at the touch, but he still had the brain capacity to nod. He could feel Cameron's fingers stilling against his skin and the younger actor made haste to apologize but before he has the chance to, Cameron was already pressing his lips against his. "It's okay. I understand."</p>
            </blockquote>





	poison and wine

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** I don't own Cameron, Julian, Derek and/or Logan. They're all property of the lovely Ms. CP Coulter. I also don't own Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars, the song in which the title of this one-shot comes from and which this one-shot is based on. You really should listen to it. It's a beautiful song.
> 
> This is a one-shot wherein Julian successful runs away/drops out of Dalton after he confesses his feelings to Logan during their senior year, so it doesn't really follow canon that much. He hasn't been in touch with either Derek or Logan ever since he left. Also, this is my first time writing smut so pardon me for the mediocrity of it all. Also, can I just thank Chy (chylan) for her overwhelming support and Dani (danibanaani), Kai (mugglebornsolaris), Gina (polkamusicismydrug) and Nia (pursuitofreality) for educating me in the fine art of gay sex.

It takes Julian exactly two months to accept the fact that Logan doesn't really want to have anything to do with him. Nor does he, or ever will, reciprocate his feelings.

He should've figured that much when, ever since he left after that embarrassing confession, Logan hadn't called him or even texted him. He waited, while he boarded the plane to LA, even when he finally settled into his new apartment. He waited for weeks, trying to put off the time when he needed to change his phone number, when he needed to move on, but the call never came. Logan just didn't care, at all.

The thought left a hollow feeling in his chest and a bitter taste in his mouth. Every breath he took physically hurt, as if someone reached into his heart and clutched it tight, refusing to let go. He could barely cry, often finding himself wracked in silent, tearless sobs at night, reaching desperately for anything that could possibly keep him together.

He was falling apart, more and more.

More than once, he entertained the idea of going back – of trying to fix things. But he knew, oh  _he knew_ , that things were broken beyond repair.

There was nothing left for him in Dalton.

He had once considered calling Logan, cursing him out, blaming him for the pain he felt,  _hating_ him for not caring. He had always managed to stop himself from pressing the 'call' button. He didn't think he could handle further proof of Logan's indifference. It would shatter him to pieces.

He tried getting out, hanging out with cast mates, but no matter how hard he tried, he just  _couldn't_. He tried bringing home girls and boys but all of them reminded him too much of what he lost. They always had the same appearance – green eyes, fair hair – but none of them could ever compare. And none of them ever will.

He threw himself in his work, accepting projects left and right, trying desperately to  _not_ stand still – standing still hurt too much, it gave way for too many opportunities to think – but even then, he couldn't shrug away the imprint the blond left in his heart. In the end, he tired himself out, exhausting himself, so that the moment he came home, he collapsed in his bed and fell into a dreamless sleep. He didn't want to give the pain an opportunity to further break him. He owed himself that much.

(Cameron had visited him often, worried about the younger actor's welfare. The first time he did, he watched with a mild frown as Julian walked back into his bedroom after he let him in, and curled back under the sheets. He followed him in his room and sat on the bed on the free space next to Julian.

_Live,_ he had murmured to the younger boy softly, brushing away the hair from his eyes.  _Live, Julian._   _Be happy. Move on_.

_I can't_ , Julian croaked out as he clutched the sheets closer to his body, as if it would shield him from the vulnerability he was feeling at the moment.  _I don't know how to._

_He doesn't deserve you enough to make you feel like this,_ Cameron told him fiercely, trying to make Julian see sense.  _You don't need him_.

_I know,_ Julian told him softly, sadly.  _But that doesn't stop me from wanting him_.

_All he does is break you, Julian_ , Cameron told him, his voice straining slightly.

_I know_ , Julian repeated, closing his eyes.  _But he's the only one who can put me back together._ )

He received multiple calls from Derek, who was desperately trying to stay in touch with the actor, grasping at metaphorical straws. But after the one time Julian answered it –  _"Stop," Julian murmured into the phone, interrupting Derek's endless begging. His voice strained a little, breaking a little at the end, begging him to cease all connections. "You…you can't fix anything this time, Derek. I know you want to try, I know you do. I know you need to keep us together. I know this is hurting you so badly. But you need to stop. You can't fix it. None of us can." It was enough for Derek to understand, to stop. He hung up soon after. –_ the calls ceased.

He knew that he was being selfish. He knew that Derek was probably completely confused and hurt that Julian was cutting him out of his life, but Julian knew that it was necessary. Derek was the kind of person who tried his best to fix things, who lost sleep over his best friends' problems. It may not have seemed obvious but Julian  _knew_. And Julian didn't want him to suffer. He might as well tell Derek the cold-hard truth from the beginning. He didn't like doing it, but it was needed. He'd rather suffer alone than to drag one of his best friends down with him.

The first time that he completely considered moving on was when Logan's iPod – the one he had since God knows when that Julian accidentally packed because he had stolen it yet _again_ – broke. He had left it on the kitchen counter next to a glass of water while he looked around the fridge for something to eat. He didn't know how he managed to it but he accidentally knocked over the glass, causing water to splash messily against the gadget.

Julian had hastily pulled it away, drying it carefully, trying to make sure it didn't break or something but the damage was already done. It just stopped working. No matter what kind of prodding and poking he did, it was broken and he couldn't fix it. He couldn't fix anything. He destroyed everything he touched. He just broke it. He didn't care for it enough. And now it's broken. Everything was broken.

It was the reason why Cameron later found him that night, on the floor of his bedroom, gazing into nothingness as he clutched the broken iPod in his hands.

"J?" Cameron called out. Julian raised his eyes, barely a trace of recognition in them, before staring back at the wall. Worried, Cameron immediately went to him and sat next to him on the floor.

"I broke it," Julian whispered after a moment's pause. He moved his hands, showing Cameron the iPod to clarify what exactly he broke. "I got careless and there was water and…I broke it, Cam. I can't fix it anymore. I  _fucking_ broke it."

"J," Cameron started but quickly stopped because he honestly didn't know what to say at that exact moment. He just watched as Julian clutched the broken gadget closer to his chest and started to sob.

"It was the last thing I had of him, Cam," Julian said through his tears. He made no move to wipe them away – he just kept on crying. "It was the one link I had to him and I broke it. I didn't even mean to take it but now, I  _broke_  it. I can't listen to the songs he listened to. I can't  _have him_ anymore, even if it's through the songs he listened to. I can't—I can't have him anymore."

"J," Cameron started again, more surely now as he finally found the words to say. He reached out and placed his hands over Julian's, gently prying the broken gadget from his hands. Julian was unrelenting though, as his grip tightened on it. "J, you've got to let it go. You said it yourself, it's broken. You can't fix it anymore. Let it go."

"I can't!" Julian burst out as he tried to tug the iPod away from Cameron's hands. "I can't, Cam. I have to fix it. I have to try and fix it. I can't. I _can't_."

"Julian." Cameron said it more firmly this time, urging the other boy to look at him. Julian tentatively raised his eyes to look at Cameron, cheeks stained with tears. "You've got to let it go.  _Let him go_."

He glanced up at Cameron through tear-filled eyes and found his grip slackening at the intensity in Cameron's eyes. And so he did. He let Cameron take the broken iPod away from him. He let himself be gathered in the other boy's arms and be comforted as he sobbed against his shirt, completely ruining it. He let Cameron tuck him in bed and look after him until he fell asleep.

He let himself move on.

Soon after, Julian finally gathered the courage to change his phone number.

And he actually tried to move on, to try and leave behind his life at Dalton.

* * *

He didn't know how it all started – this strange friendship,  _relationship_ , with Cameron.

All he knew was that the older actor was always around often, fussing over him, making sure that he was taking care of himself. Cameron was always the one who held him when he fell apart all over again, pressing his warm body against the younger boy's, holding him until he fell asleep, trying to keep him together. There was nothing sexual about it. It was just that Julian needed someone warm, someone alive, to distract him from that pain. And Cameron was always that for him.

Cameron was the one tried his hardest to keep him together. He wasn't pushing his luck to glue back the pieces that fell apart, but he was there enough to keep the rest of him in tact. Cameron was very patient with him, never pushing him too far, never insisting that he do things that he wasn't ready for. He understood that Julian needed time to dull the unbearable ache in his chest before he started to live again.

Julian survived, barely so, and it was all because of Cameron.

They spent more time together, especially after Julian decided to finally move on. They didn't put a label to what they were – who needs labels anyways? – and Cameron understood that Julian wasn't ready for anything  _more_  at the moment. If Julian needed a friend, a crutch, while he healed, Cameron was willing to be that for him. He always was.

Julian didn't know when he got used to the older boy's touches, how everything they did became a routine. He didn't know when he started expecting Cameron to come over, finding himself disappointed when Cameron called, telling him he had a shoot or an interview and couldn't come over. He didn't know when he started to cook Cameron's favorite breakfast – well, more like  _tried_  to cook considering it was usually Cameron who cooked and whenever he wasn't around, Julian would always order take-out – but it felt  _right_. It felt good knowing that someone was always there, that someone was trying to fix him.

He wasn't really surprised when it developed into something more. Julian wasn't dumb enough to think that there was nothing there, of course there was something there, but to have concrete proof of it was exhilarating.

They were sitting on Julian's couch, watching some reruns of some teen show, when Julian felt Cameron staring at him. Julian turned his head, intending to tease Cameron about staring, but found himself speechless at the sight of intense concentration on the other boy's face. His eyebrows shot up in surprise when Cameron reached out and cupped his face and started to lean forward. He stilled and found his eyes shutting close, doing nothing to stop the other boy.

"This is so wrong," Cameron breathed out, his warm breath fanning Julian's face. The younger boy shivered involuntary at the sensation. "But... _God, Julian."_

Julian's eyes fluttered open at that, opening his mouth to say some witty remark at the other's boy blatant speechlessness but Cameron took that opportunity to duck his head and press his lips against the younger actor's. Julian found himself kissing back, eyes fluttering shut again, hands flying over Cameron's hands where they were resting against either side of Julian's face.

There was nothing insistent about this kiss – so unlike the first one they shared. It was sweet and gentle, with Cameron tilting his head for a better angle. Cameron's right thumb traced circles against Julian's skin, causing goose-bumps to rise on Julian's forearms.

When they broke apart, Julian stared blankly at Cameron, as if trying to decipher what it all meant.

"I," Julian started hoarsely. He blushed faintly as he cleared his throat, willing his voice to go back to normal. "I thought that you were straight, Cam?"

Cameron responded with a light chuckle, causing Julian to raise an eyebrow. He dropped his hands that were still against Julian's cheeks and wrung them together. "It's you, Julian."

Cameron said it so simply, so nonchalantly, as if it was the answer to everything. And Julian supposed, as a smile crept its way on his face, in a way, it was.

"So," Julian started, a bit shyly. "Does this mean that we're-" His hands flew, gesturing madly, causing Cameron to chuckle again. "- _together_  now?"

"Anything you want, J," Cameron said softly, reaching out to stroke Julian's cheek lovingly. "I'm not going to push you into something that you don't want. If you're not ready, we could forget this kiss even happened, and remain friends."

"No!" Julian said hastily, reaching to grab the hand that was tracing circles along his skin. "God, Cameron. You've been here from the start. You didn't have to be, but you were there. And…" Julian paused to lick his lips. "And I want this, Cam. You keep me together. I want you here. I'm – I'm willing to give this a try if you are."

Cameron merely responded by pressing his lips back against Julian's. Julian happily reciprocated.

* * *

They had both agreed to take it slowly. Cameron understood that there was still some lingering pain, and Julian did not want Cameron to hold out false hopes. He knew that he cared deeply for the older boy but he was not deluding himself into thinking that that care translated to love. He knew that Cameron felt  _more_  towards him and Julian appreciated that he did not make it known, knowing that it would pressure the other actor into saying those three words back – despite the untruth of it.

But still, Julian couldn't deny the chemistry between the two of them. He felt it every time their hands brushed against one another while they drank their coffee in their favorite coffee shop. They would sit across one another and, not being fond of public displays of affection, subtly brushed their hands against one another on the table. Julian would shyly look up and smile at him, purposely ignoring the butterflies in his stomach whenever Cameron smiled back.

They didn't talk about "The Topic" despite Cameron insisting beforehand that it was a necessary step towards closure. It had quickly escalated into their first fight as a couple, with Cameron accusing the younger boy that maybe he didn't want closure – maybe he wanted to hold on to Logan. It ended with Julian breaking down in front of the older boy repeating "I can't, I can't , it hurts, it still hurts too much" over and over again. Cameron had felt ashamed of himself and, after calming Julian down, fervently promised that wouldn't talk about it unless it was Julian who prompted the conversation. They fell asleep in the same bed that night, with Cameron's arms wrapped firmly around Julian's fragile body.

Things were a little tense between them and Cameron did – or rather  _said_  – something that would've made it even tenser if Julian had reacted poorly to it. Cameron had insisted that he hadn't meant to say it, and that he didn't use it as a means to distract Julian from their fight, but despite the poor timing, Julian was secretly grateful that he said it. It broke the tension a little.

They were settled comfortably on the couch with Julian sitting between Cameron's legs, leaning back so that his back rested against the older boy's chest when Cameron said it.

"I love you," Cameron had murmured against his hair, as their clasped hands rested against Julian's chest. After realizing what Cameron had said, both boys stilled and held their breath, waiting for someone to break the silence.

As a response, Julian raised their entwined hands to his lips and pressed a fleeting kiss against their knuckles. "Not yet," he whispered softly. He felt Cameron visible relax behind him, and Julian knew that it was the right answer.

Things soon resumed into normal. They easily pushed back that fight, that confession, to the back of their heads. Cameron understood that Julian wasn't ready to talk about The Topic nor was he ready to say those three words back to him. He was honestly glad that Julian hadn't felt pressured to say it back. Cameron didn't want him to say it just for the sake of pleasing him. He wanted it to mean something. Maybe it wouldn't happen any time soon but Cameron was willing to wait. He always waited.

* * *

When Julian brought up "The Topic", Cameron had to admit that he was a bit apprehensive. He had insisted that Julian didn't need to talk about it if he wasn't ready. He didn't the younger boy to resent him for being obligated to talk about a painful subject just because he felt like he needed to prove something.

"No," Julian had told him, reaching out to grab Cameron's hands. They were sitting on the sofa, facing each other, legs crossed at the ankles for better space. "I—I need to talk about it some time soon. The earlier and faster the better. Just like ripping off a band aid. Only more painful."

"J," Cameron started but couldn't find the words to continue. "You don't need to prove anything to me. You really don't have to talk about it if you're not ready."

"No, I'm—I'm ready Cam," Julian murmured softly as he traced circles on the back of Cameron's hand with his thumb. "You're right. I won't be able to move on fully if I don't talk about it. I need this. For closure. For us." Julian paused for a moment, weighing the words carefully in his head. "And I need to prove something." Cameron opened his mouth to protest but Julian cut him off. "To myself."

"Okay," Cameron said softly, and then remained quiet, urging Julian to continue talking.

"I honestly don't remember much," Julian started out softly, as he disentangled one of his hands from Cameron's to brush his hair away from his eyes. He really needed to get a haircut soon. "He was really having progress on getting over Hummel. He and Anderson, his other ex who was Hummel's current boyfriend – bad break-up, don't ask -were getting more than civil with each other. They were almost being friendly. Things were going smoothly."

Julian paused yet again. "I guess my hopes just went with delusions, in my high hopes that maybe I finally had a chance without Hummel distracting him and I just suddenly blurted it out in the middle of a conversation." Julian's eyebrows scrunched together as he tried to remember then, much to Cameron's surprise, started to laugh. "I mean, who  _does_ that? Who blurts out 'I love you' in the middle of a conversation? I mean, I kept it for nearly four years, I don't know why I couldn't have chosen a much better timing. I don't know why I couldn't just keep it in for a couple more months." He surprised, and – truthfully –  _worried,_  Cameron when his eyes suddenly welled with tears. "He just.." Julian broke off as he covered his mouth with his free hand to stifle the sob that escaped his mouth.

"Julian," Cameron started as he reached out to brush the tears from Julian's cheeks. "You really, honestly do not need to continue if you're not ready. We can take this one piece at a time. I don't expect you to suddenly tell me all the details. It's only been months, Julian. I understand if the wounds are still raw."

"N-no," Julian said hastily, brushing the tears from his face. "I can do this. I mean, it's not like he broke up with me or something." Julian tried to cover up the pain he felt with a strained laugh. He cleared his throat, straightening up his posture and attempted to continue. "When I realized what I said, I looked at him. He was staring at me, shock written all over his face." Julian laughed softly. "You should've seen his face. It was  _priceless_." He bit his lip as he paused, willing himself to continue. "Then, when he gathered his bearings I guess, he just stood up, shook his head and  _ran_. He ran like I had some sort of fucking disease. And I just watched as he ran. I just sat there and just – I couldn't move. I don't know what I did wrong. And I just kept on asking myself ' _is the thought of me having feelings for him really that repulsive that he couldn't stand to be in such a close proximity with me?_ '"

Cameron chose to stay quiet – he really didn't know what to say – as he watched humiliation, rejection and hurt unravel in Julian's eyes. It was one of those rare times when Julian let his guard down, when he let his façade fall away. It was painful to watch but Cameron knew that Julian  _needed_ this. He needed to relive this moment so he could fully move on, so he could leave the past behind him.

"Things got weird after that," Julian continued on with a sigh. "Derek – that's our other friend," Julian hastily clarified as Cameron nodded. "Derek had no clue what was going on. It just got tense. We couldn't stand to be in the same room as each other and we tried our best to stay out of each other's way. My pride didn't let me apologize and why should I? I never did anything wrong except finally admit what I've been keeping in for  _years_. And he never looked at me in the eye ever again." Julian sighed again. "We never really talked to each other after that. I-I thought our friendship could survive that, but apparently not. And, when I couldn't take it anymore, I did what I did best – I  _ran_. I left." He then shrugged in that off-hand way of his. "And he—he didn't call. Not once. I waited and waited for him to call, keeping my hopes up, only to have them crushed. I'm stupid, aren't I Cam? It's my own damn fault."

"No, hey," Cameron said as he reached out to pull Julian to him. Julian's arms wrapped themselves around Cameron's neck, burying his face at the junction where his neck met his shoulder. He let out a sigh of relief at being held like this, already feeling himself calming at the feeling of Cameron's touch. "You're not stupid, J. He's just blind to  _not_ see what an amazing person you are."

"Am not amazing," Julian murmured, his words muffled a little bit. "I'm a primadonna who is terribly overbearing and has diva tendencies way too many times. I'm a horrible, horrible person, despite my charm. I'm superficial. I'm—I'm shallow and I'm a fuck-up. I know that people can't stand me – I firmly believe that they just don't know how to handle my larger-than-life personality – so I don't know why I thought Logan would be any different."

"Hey," Cameron said, nudging Julian a little until he raised his head to look at Cameron in the eye. "You're amazing, J. And you're right, the people who can't stand you just don't know how to handle your personality. Which is a shame because once they get to know you, they'd come to appreciate just how  _brilliant_ you are. You try and act like you don't care but _I know you._ When push comes to shove, you'll always be willing to take the hit for your friends."

"And when you love someone," Cameron continued, making Julian smile a little. He must admit, his ego needed a little boosting at the moment. "You love them with all you've got. You might dive in head-first – heart first, brain later – and get yourself hurt terribly but I know that at the end, you don't mind the pain." Julian raised an eyebrow at this, because honestly, in the midst of the crippling depression he felt when he first came to LA, he  _had_ come to appreciate it. It just meant that he loved. He loved enough for it to hurt. And that meant his heart did its job well.  _And_ , Julian thought.  _If he was going to end up hurt at the end of all of this, might as well give it his all._  "Because it just meant that you did your job well. You gave it your all and I know that you like doing jobs thoroughly."

Julian smiled softly at Cameron before leaning forward and brushing his lips against the other boy's. Cameron's eyes widened in surprised but once he got past the initial shock, he cupped Julian's face and kissed him back. They both didn't deepen the kiss, understanding that this was a moment of revelation and acceptance for Julian and they didn't need to taint it with their overexcited hormones. Cameron prided himself in his strong self-control, even though Julian sometimes weakened his resolve to the point of surrender. Hey, it wasn't his fault that the younger actor was so damn delectable.

"What was that for?" Cameron breathed out when they broke apart. Julian only smiled shyly at him and looked at him from under his eyelashes. Cameron bit his lower lip. Julian took every opportunity to challenge his self-control but he wasn't going to give in that easily.

"Just—just thank you," Julian mumbled after a couple of seconds. "Thank you for your patience. Thank you for—for dealing with me, I guess. Thank you for staying." Cameron only blinked at him, touched by the sincerity in the other boy's voice. "Thank you for not pressuring me into doing something I wouldn't want to do. Thank you for giving me time."

It was his last words that brought tears – though Cameron will deny it to his grave – to the older boy's eyes.

"Thank you for fixing me."

* * *

"I'm ready."

Cameron had asked him time and time again  _if he was sure_ and told him  _you don't have to do this if you're not ready_ so many times that Julian was forced to silence him with a kiss.

"I'm ready," Julian whispered against his lips. Cameron's eyes darkened visibly as he leaned carefully laying Julian down on the bed. He hovered over Julian's form, sucking at the sensitive spot on Julian's, eliciting a delicious sound from the younger actor. Julian's eyes fluttered shut at their own accord, trying to lose himself in the feeling Cameron's teeth grazing his throat.

"I love you," Cameron whispered almost reverently against his skin. Julian only gasped, his grip tightening on Cameron's shoulders. He tipped his head back, baring his neck, exposing more skin, begging for  _more, more, more_.

He let out an involuntary whine as Cameron pulled away but that whine soon turned into a whimper as the older boy pulled his shirt over his head and threw it aside. Julian's hands acted on their own accord, reaching out and mapping the newly exposed skin with gentle and feather-light touches causing Cameron to shiver slightly at the intimacy. Cameron closed his eyes when Julian sat up slightly, replacing his fingers with his lips – retracing the steps his fingers mapped out with soft kisses.

Cameron adjusted his position so that he was straddling Julian, tugging at the younger boy's shirt until he got the hint. With no time to waste, Julian raised his arms over his head so Cameron could tug the offending garment over his head and threw it somewhere – Julian could barely care about a stupid shirt right now. The other boy immediately ducked down, licking and biting every surface he could reach. He took his time against Julian's breastbone, marking the other boy's soft skin, as Julian just clutched his shoulders – letting out breathy moans every other second.

They both made quick work of their pants, their hands brushing against one another as they reached zippers and buttons, legs tangling as they struggled to get rid of the rest of their clothing. When they finally came together again, skin pressing against skin, Cameron cupped Julian face and placed light kisses against his lips that soon gained intensity as Julian opened his mouth – begging him to deepen the kiss. Julian wrapped his arms around Cameron's neck, clinging desperately to the older boy, begging him to  _take him_.

Feeling bolder than usual, Cameron pulled away to look at Julian straight in the eyes, lined their erections together and thrust upwards. Cameron immediately ducked down and swallowed the broken cry Julian emitted, biting his lower lip gently – eliciting another gasp from Julian. He rocked their hips together, reveling in the feeling of being pressed together so intimately, fixated at the way Julian threw his head back – elongating his perfect neck, all his for the taking. He drank in the way Julian's eyes were glazed over, pupils blown wide with lust, mouth slightly parted as soft and beautiful sounds escaped his throat. A well-angled thrust caused Julian's eyes to clench shut, his hands tugging at the short hair on the nape of his neck almost painfully, as a loud cry escaped his lips.

He could feel his body tensing in the familiar way, heat coiling at the pit of his stomach. Not wanting it to be over soon, Cameron pressed his hand against Julian's chest, forcing him to lie back down on the bed. Cameron was amazed at how pliant Julian's body became when he aroused. He lay down on the bed with no complaint, whimpering when the older boy moved off of his to fetch the necessary supplies off the nightstand.

He slinked down Julian's body, pressing kisses at every bit of skin he could reach. Through hooded eyes, he watched as Julian writhed at the anticipation of what was to come. He reveled in the way the younger looked thoroughly debauched, hair thoroughly messed up, soft pants escaping his lips. Cameron sat back for a moment, reaching for the bottle of lube as he slicked his fingers thoroughly. Cameron set it aside before leaning down again, looking up to see Julian propped up on his elbows, watching his every move.

"It's," Julian started, licking his dry lips. "It's easier if I turn around."

"No," Cameron said quickly, absently rubbing Julian's thigh with his clean hand, giving it a pat, asking Julian to spread his legs wider. Julian quickly complied. "I want—I want to see you."

_I want to see you beg. See you come. See you fall apart._

And with absolutely no pretense, no warning, Cameron ducked down and sunk his mouth down Julian's length – taking him completely. Julian cried out, falling back down on the bed and hips stuttering in surprise at the overwhelming sensation as he forced himself to stay still, not wanting Cameron to choke. But he wanted to thrust into that wet heat, lose himself in the pleasure. He fisted his hands in the sheets on either side of him, as Cameron continued to bob his head – up and down, up and down. He relaxed his throat, taking as much of Julian as he could, a hand curled around the part he couldn't reach with his mouth. His tongue swirled around the length, tracing every vein, focusing on the sounds Julian made as he tried to figure out what he liked. What Cameron lacked in technique, he certainly made up for in enthusiasm.

Making sure Julian was still lost in the haze of pleasure that his mouth was doing, Cameron reached down with his slicked hand and pressed a finger inside of Julian. Julian moaned, shifting a little bit, hissing at the familiar burn as he focused on relaxing his muscles. Placing a kiss against Julian's thigh, feeling him relax at his touch, Cameron pumped the finger inside of him - in and out, in and out – making sure Julian was feeling before inserting another finger. Cameron still continued on his ministrations on Julian's length, trying to distract the boy from the fingers inside of him. His hand on Julian's cock picked up on its pace, keep in tune with his mouth as he scissored his fingers inside of the younger boy, stretching him as much as he could. He crooked his fingers for better angle, letting his fingers drag inside of him, causing Julian to arch off the bed.

"Oh my god, Cam!" Julian shouted as he thrashed around, babbling a string of curse words in his wake. "More, please. Fuck. Please.  _More_. So good.  _So good_."

Julian was trembling by now, so lost in the pleasure that Cameron was giving him. He barely even noticed when Cameron added another finger, stretching him more thoroughly, pumping in and out inside of him. He could feel it though, coiling in the pit of his stomach. He released his hold on his bed sheets and reached down with a little difficulty, patting Cameron's head insistently. Cameron pulled off of his cock with a lewd  _pop_ , lips swollen and glistening with saliva but his hand was still absently stroking Julian's length and his fingers still moving inside of him. He eyed Julian curiously, taking in his heaving chest and sweat dampened forehead.

"I'm not—I'm not going to last," Julian murmured softly, hips bucking up at a well-timed flick of Cameron's wrist against his length. He cried out as Cameron swept his thumb over the tip, spreading the pre-cum gathered there. "Please. Just-just get inside me."

"You're not stretched out enough," Cameron said softly, removing his hand from Julian's cock.

"I would very much like it if you were inside me when I come," Julian said, breathing heavily as he gave Cameron a lopsided smile, pupils still blown wide. "I can take it, Cam. Just—just get inside me.  _Please_."

Cameron nodded, his fingers slipping out of Julian's body. Julian hissed at the sudden emptiness as Cameron tore open the foil wrapper and rolled the condom on his length. He coated himself with a generous amount of lube before hovering over Julian's frame. He wiped his hand on the bed sheets, removing the excess lube, as he gripped Julian's hips. He leaned down, pressing a kiss against Julian's lips as the younger boy let out a soft moan. Julian sucked Cameron's tongue into his mouth, reveling in the fact that he could taste himself on the other's boy's tongue.

Cameron leaned back, pressing a light kiss against Julian's lips, before he started to push inside. He groaned at the feeling of being inside Julian, and it took all of his willpower to still his hips, fighting hard to thrust inside the tight heat surrounding him. He gripped Julian's hips tighter, sure that he would leave bruises, as he looked at Julian – watching the way the younger boy grip the sheets tighter, eyes clenched shut, trying to adjust to feeling of being so deliciously full. Cameron waited for the younger boy to give the signal that it would be okay for him to move.

"M-move," Julian said shakily.

Cameron let out a shaky breath as he pulled out and started to press in even deeper this time, pushing in until he was buried deep inside Julian. Julian panted and moaned, hips shifting on their own, taking in more and more of Cameron – even though there was nothing left to give. They started to rock together with Julian letting out broken cries at the feeling of being so full, at the feeling of Cameron  _inside_  of him. He wrapped his legs around Cameron's waist, trying to take as much of Cameron as he could at all times. At a well-angled thrust, with Cameron hitting that perfect spot inside of him, Julian practically  _wailed_ , clawing at every part of Cameron he could reach, scratching his chest with blunt fingernails. They rocked their hips together, Cameron straining to kiss Julian and that caused him to push in deeper inside of the other boy. Julian tilted his head to the side, with Cameron sucking at the side of his neck – almost hell-bent at marking Julian further – as he struggled to keep up with the overwhelming pleasure he was feeling.

Cameron's thrusts soon turned erratic, and the older boy reached between them, stroking Julian in time with his thrusts. He didn't care about technique anymore, and there wasn't any teasing – all Cameron cared about was making Julian come. Julian could barely breathe, everything felt  _so good_ , so good that he barely even cared about the desperate noises coming out of his mouth – he just kept on moaning and crying out and begging and " _Cameron, oh my God, right there! More, more!"._ He clutched at Cameron's arms for purchase and he struggled to meet Cameron thrust for thrust, with the older boy's hand struggling to keep up with Julian's messy movement. With a perfectly time thrust to his prostate and flick of Cameron's wrist, Julian arched off the bed, shouting his release as he came in white stripes across Cameron's chest and all over his hand. Julian panted heavily as Cameron kept on fucking him and it all seemed too much,  _too full_ , and he just came and he was still so sensitive but he still wanted it – he still wanted more. He just stayed still, kept his legs locked around Cameron's middle and took what the older had to give. Soon enough, Cameron stilled as he soon reached his climax before collapsing on top of him.

Julian chuckled softly as he disentangled his legs around Cameron's waist. Cameron leaned up and pressed a fond kiss against his forehead before slipping out of him causing Julian to hiss at the sudden emptiness. Cameron removed the condom and tied it, throwing it in the general direction of the waste basket. (Normally, Julian would scrunch his nose at that but he was just so,  _so_ tired.) Cameron rolled off of him before settling on Julian's side, pulling the younger boy close to him, nuzzling against the juncture of Julian's neck and shoulder and wrapped his arms around Julian's middle.

"We should clean up," Julian told him as Cameron's arms tightened around him, refusing to let go.

"Mm, later. Sleep first, then clean up later." Cameron murmured softly, placing a kiss against Julian's shoulder. Julian reveled in the way he felt  _safe_  in Cameron's arms, as if all was right in the world as long as the older boy kept on holding him. "Was-was it okay? I didn't hurt you, right?"

Julian chuckled, almost fondly, his eyes drooping in exhaustion. "It was more than okay."

"J?" Cameron called softly.

"Yeah, Cam?"

"I'm glad I made you feel good," Cameron said, almost shyly.

Julian smiled softly. "You always make me feel good, Cam."

* * *

His arrival was completely unexpected. He was nothing but a vague memory that sent shocks to Julian's heart every time it resurfaced. It didn't last long though before Julian gathered the courage to push it back in the back of his mind.

When he came, everything Julian built around him came tumbling down.

Julian had been preparing some snacks in anticipation for Cameron's arrival later than night. He was in the middle of placing the newly washed strawberries –  _Cameron would like these_ , Julian thought with a smile.  _He's always had a fondness for strawberries_. – in a bowl when his doorbell rang. Curious, Julian wiped his hands dry with a washcloth and grabbed the bowl of strawberries as he walked to the door, assuming that it was Cameron (who was  _too early_ for their date).

He completely did not expect John Logan Wright III to be standing on his doorstep.

In his shock, the hold he had on the porcelain bowl faltered and it slipped from his hand – falling to the floor and breaking to pieces.

The sound reverberated throughout the empty and silent apartment but neither of them even so much as blinked as they continued to stare at each other, as if both of them couldn't believe that the other  _was really there_. Julian's other hand imperceptibly tightened where it rest on the death grip he had on the door.

It was Logan who initiated the first movement, raising his right hand and reaching towards Julian. Julian didn't move – he wasn't even sure if he was  _breathing_  – and he barely flinched when Logan's hand brushed against his cheek. Logan's eyes widened almost comically, and he let out a shaky breath, as if touching Julian was the tangible proof he needed. He started to take a step forward but Julian had finally gathered his bearings and took a step back, signaling that he didn't want Logan here. His grip on the door tightened and he seriously considered slamming the door on Logan's face.

"Please don't shut the door," Logan said softly, as if reading his mind. Julian pursed his lips, the wasted strawberries lying around his feet. "Please, Jules. Please let me in."

Julian wanted to tell him  _no._ He seriously didn't think that he could waltz back in his life after  _months_  of no contact. Julian wanted to scream at him, asking why he was caring  _now_  when he clearly didn't before. But, against his better judgment, he stepped aside to let Logan in. The other boy smiled gratefully, though Julian made it a point to show that he wasn't paying attention.

Logan stepped inside the apartment, looking around. For  _months_  he had tried to find Julian, going through thorough research, even stooping as low as stalking paparazzi sites just to have at least a vague idea where the hell his best friend disappeared to. When he had a consistent and reliable lead, he decided that if Julian didn't appear at graduation – and if he really  _did_ drop out – he would fly off to Los Angeles after graduation. Screw what his father thought.

Julian didn't show.

So now, here he was, in his best friend's apartment – after months of no contact.

He was a bit startled when the actor brushed past him, as if he wasn't even there. Logan glanced at Julian, wondering where the brunet went. His question got answered when Julian reappeared a few seconds later, carrying a new bowl – probably to replace the one that broke. Julian ignored Logan yet again as he crouched down on the floor, trying to retrieve the wasted strawberries. He was muttering under his breath furiously –  _I'd have to wash these thoroughly again,_ he was muttering angrily, making sure Logan wasn't hearing a word of what he was saying.  _Fucking asshat_. – and Logan found himself smiling slightly at the thought that Julian didn't change. He went over to help Julian pick up the strawberries, trying to ignore the fact that Julian flinched every time their hands brushed against each other.

"I didn't know you liked strawberries," Logan commented off-handedly after they had managed to pick up the every single piece of fruit that fell down.

Julian pursed his lips yet again – Logan was slowly getting tired of the annoyed expression that was seemingly perpetually on Julian's face ever since he arrived – and clutched the bowl of fruit closer to him. "I don't."

Silence ensued. Julian sighed softly as he walked past Logan, telling him that he needed to wash the strawberries again. What he didn't say is that he needed a lot of space between him and the former Stuart prefect before he did something that he was bound to regret later on. Logan gladly waited, taking the time to recompose himself.

Logan looked around the room, eyes focusing on the shards of the broken bowl on the floor. He bit his lower lip, too shy to ask – when did it come to this? Did he really miss that much time with Julian that he was too shy to even talk to the other actor? – where the broom and the dustpan were. He walked over to the mess and crouched down. He carefully lifted the shards – at least the big ones, he'd have to sweep away the smaller ones – trying to clean up as much of the mess as he could.

"What are you doing?" Julian voice rang in the empty room, causing Logan to mishandle the shard he was picking up, cutting his hand in the process.

"Shit," he murmured as he dropped the shard in surprise. He inspected his cut palm, inspecting the damage, all the while carefully balancing the broken pieces in his other hand.

Julian was by his side in an instant, forcing him to let go of the sharp pieces in his other hand – worried that he'll cut himself again. He pressed a clean washcloth against his wounded hand – trying to stop the bleeding in as much as he could. Logan glanced at his face, mildly surprised at the concern that was all over Julian's previously unfeeling face.

"Come on," Julian murmured as he stood up, expecting Logan to do the same. "Follow me to the kitchen. Let's get that cut cleaned up." He then proceeded to walk in the direction of the kitchen, not even looking behind him to see if Logan was following him. When Logan reached the kitchen, he saw the other boy rummaging through the kitchen cupboards, looking for the first aid kit he usually kept at hand. "Sit, Logan," he muttered, not even glancing at the blond.

Logan did as he said without complaint, sitting on one of the stools settled against the kitchen island. When Julian finally turned to him, he seemed to be debating whether he should settled on the stool across Logan or on the one opposite him. Deciding that sitting across of Logan would make his job difficult, he heaved out a sigh and walked over to Logan. He placed the first aid kit on the kitchen island, he sat pulled the stool that was right next to the stool where Logan sat and settled it at a respectable distance from Logan but not far enough that would make his job difficult.

"Look at me, Logan," Julian said softly, avoiding all eye contact with the blond, choosing to focus his attention on looking for the antiseptic and the cotton. Logan shifted in his seat until he was facing Julian. Julian reached for the washcloth that Logan was gripping in his wounded hand and tugged it away. He set it aside as he reached for Logan's wrist as he turned on the kitchen tap with his other hand and placed Logan's wounded hand under the running water. He let the water wash away most of the blood away before turning it off and gently patting Logan's hand dry with another washcloth.

"I was just trying to pick up the broken pieces," Logan said softly, in response to Julian's earlier question. Julian said nothing. "I was just trying to clean up the mess. And I guess I handled one of the pieces wrongly and it pierced my skin."

"You didn't have to do that," Julian said softly, as he extracted the cotton and the antiseptic from the first aid kit. "Now look at you. You got hurt."

"You also don't have to patch me up," Logan murmured softly. Julian froze in his ministrations before shaking it off and resuming in his actions. He wet the cotton with the antiseptic before cradling Logan's wounded hand with his free hand. "I never took care of you when you were wounded."

"I never let you see me wounded," Julian countered as Logan hissed in pain when the antiseptic made contact with his broken flesh. "I never gave you the chance to patch me up."

"You shouldn't have had to hide your wounds from me," Logan said softly as he looked intently at Julian. He was getting frustrated that the other boy just won't look at him. "I was your best friend, Jules."

Julian flinched at Logan's usage of the word  _was_  but he quickly covered it up with this unfeeling façade. "I know. I just…I felt like I _had_  to. I didn't think you'd care." He paused for a moment as he searched the first aid kit for the tape and gauze. "But it's in the past now, Lo. It's no use talking about it."

When Julian had successful dressed the wound and packed up the first aid kit again, he turned to Logan who was looking at his bandaged hand – fixated. He sighed softly as he stood to the side, arms wrapped around his upper torso. It was a very protective stance, he knew that, but he was struggling to keep himself together. He was allowed to close in on himself.

"Why are you here, Logan?" he finally allowed himself to ask, breaking the silence. Logan looked up, looking a little bit startled, as if he forgot that Julian was even there. Julian was surprised at the startling clarity in his eyes. There was no haze – no blankness – and he could read the emotions flitting through them as clear as the day. It made him worried that the former prefect had stopped taking his meds again.

"I-I looked for you," Logan started tentatively, as if he was testing the waters. He was choosing his words carefully, not wanting to scare off the younger boy. Nor did he want to give him any semblance of false hope. "You just suddenly disappeared. Fell off the face of the Earth, so to speak. Even Derek had no idea where you were. He told me you cut off all connections with him a few weeks after you left."

"I did." Julian said it so simply, so carelessly, as if he never cared about them at all.

"I know that my response to what you said was not what you wanted," Logan said softly, looking down at his lap, as if he couldn't bear to speak those words while looking directly into Julian's eyes. "But I don't understand why you had to just leave us behind. I wasn't going to treat you any differently, Jules. Confession or not, you're still my best friend."

"I got tired, Logan," Julian admitted, as he ran a hand through his hair. Logan raised his eyes to look at him. "You have no idea how tiring it is to just sit there and watch you  _not_ see me."

"I see you," Logan insisted which only caused Julian to shake his head.

"Did you really?" Julian asked, as he stared right back at him. Logan held his gaze for a minute before he looked away, clenching his jaw. "I didn't think so. Though I suppose it's partly my fault too." He breathed out a soft sigh. "And here you are, admitting that despite my confession, you'd just continue on seeing right through me."

A tense silence followed, and – truthfully – Julian was grateful for it.

"You never missed me anyways," Julian added, sort of an afterthought.

"Of course I did," Logan said softly, confused as to how Julian could arrive at such a conclusion.

"You never called."

"I wanted to give you space," Logan replied easily, as if he knew that this was something he knew Julian would throw at him. It didn't hurt that it was the truth too. "I thought that you just needed some time away from me, some time to sort things out. I thought it would be healthy for both of us. Derek never mentioned anything about you dropping out so I thought you were just taking some time off from school. I thought that if I gave you enough space, if I backed off, you would come back. When I realized that you were never coming back, it was already too late."

"It took you months to figure out that I wasn't coming back?" Julian asked, laughing a little bitterly.

Logan shrugged. 'You always came back. I thought this time wouldn't be any different."

"Only it was," Julian murmured.

"It was." Logan nodded in assent.

"I thought I didn't have a reason to come back anymore," Julian whispered, still looking at Logan. "Every time I came back, even though I swore to myself that I wouldn't anymore, it was because you needed me. You were broken and you needed my help – along with Derek's – to pick up the broken pieces. When you didn't call, I took it as you saying  _I don't need you anymore_."

Logan startled him by chuckling, loud and clear. Julian felt offended at that. Here he was, finally baring all the feelings he felt since he left only to be laughed at. "You didn't come back because you thought I didn't need you?" Logan asked him, looking directly into Julian's eyes. Julian couldn't help but nod, stunned at the frustration behind Logan's green eyes. "I always needed you, Julian."

Julian didn't know how to respond to that so he settled with a simple, "Oh."

"You don't have to stand so far away from me, you know," Logan said, almost a bit offended at the distance that Julian was imposing between them. "I'm not going to bite."

"You're not on your meds," Julian said quickly, his mouth not giving his brain the chance to filter his words correctly. He quickly shut his mouth, closed his eyes and braced himself for the incoming storm.

"I'm not on my usual meds, no," Logan said simply, seemingly unruffled by Julian's comment. Julian opened his eyes in confusion, and titled his head to the side as if to say  _'I don't understand'_. "I'm on new ones. They prescribed them to me a few days after you left and I quickly tried them out, hoping and praying that they were the right ones. I was trying to prepare myself for when you came back, so I didn't blow up on you when we finally talked about what you told me." Julian didn't speak – he didn't trust his voice enough. Logan was preparing himself? For him? So he didn't blow up on him? It was all too much to take at once. "Needless to say, they  _were_  the right ones. They have a lower dosage than my old ones but they still keep me in check without numbing me. I haven't skipped taking them, not once, not even when I finally realized that you weren't coming back. I did it for myself too. I didn't want to continue on hurting myself - or Derek for that matter."

Julian finally sighed and walked over to the stool on the opposite side of the kitchen island. Logan looked up, grateful that Julian had at least taken a seat. "So…how exactly are they different from your old ones?" Julian asked softly.

"They're not as  _intense_ , I guess," Logan said, mulling over his next words. "They sort of nullify some of the anger, but not all of it. My feelings and emotions are far from those of a normal person's, and sometimes there's that overwhelming anger again, but it's enough to keep it at bay. They understood that the reason why I rebelled so much with the first one is because, well, they made me feel like I wasn't human."

"So, you're okay now," Julian stated, raising an eyebrow.

Logan smiled softly before reaching out with his uninjured hand and clasping one of Julian's hands with his own. "I wasn't before. But I am now."

Julian recoiled, jerking his hand away from Logan's hold, nearly falling off the kitchen stool in the process. When he finally regained composure, he stood shakily. "You can't say those things Logan and not expect them to have no meaning to me."

"What if I say them with the intention of them holding meaning?" Logan asked steadily.

"Y-you can't!" Julian burst out, glaring at the seated blond. Logan raised an eyebrow, as if asking ' _why not?'._ "You can't just waltz back into my life and expect me to just drop everything for you! For months I waited for you to call me and you never did! I was left alone here, wondering why the hell I was never good enough for you. Why no matter what I did to help you, you always failed to see me time and time again. I kept on sitting here, so embarrassed, so ashamed that my untimely confession scared you away. You  _ran_ away from me! You ran like I had some sort of disease and  _God,_ I was so ashamed of myself. You broke me, Logan, and for the longest time I thought no one was ever going to be able to fix me. I barely survived and up to this day, I still keep on asking why – why it was  _never_  me. You don't understand how hard it was for me to try and forget all those years of friendship I had with Derek to beg him to just stop calling because I got worried that if he even so much as mentioned that you were falling off the edge again, I would give in and come back. Because you're right, Logan – I always came back. I always came back for you! And you never, ever, came for me. Not once! And when I finally get the chance to move on from you, you appear out of nowhere and threaten to break down every single wall I built up. You're not being fair to me, Logan."

By the time he was done, Julian was breathing heavily and there were traitorous tears that were pouring down his cheeks. His strong will almost crumbled when he saw the amount of pain that was so clear on Logan's face. It never failed to surprise Julian how Logan just looked so tragically beautiful when he wore his heart on his sleeve.

Logan let out a shaky breath, trying desperately not to cry in front of Julian. "I want—I'll do everything to make it up to you, Jules. Just—just  _let me_. Let me make things right. I'm sorry that I ran - I truly am. Just-just let me make it up to you, Jules. Not just that, but all those years that I made you wait."

"What exactly are you saying Logan?" Julian didn't dare to let even a  _sliver_  of hope worm its way into his heart. If Logan found a way to crush that, it would hurt too much. And Julian swore to himself that he wouldn't let Logan hurt him again.

"I don't want to lose you again," Logan murmured softly, as he looked away from Julian – preventing him from seeing the overwhelming sadness in his eyes. "You mean so much to me, Jules. I  _know_  that I can't give you what you need right now, and I'm sorry for that, but let me at least  _try_. I want you back in my life, Jules."

"What- I don't understand what you're trying to say here," Julian said, his forehead creasing in confusion. Why can't Logan just be straight with what he's trying to say?

"Let me  _try,"_ Logan begged, finally looking at Julian again, pleading with him with those expressive green eyes of him. Julian was caught off-guard with the overwhelming amount of pain in them. "Let me try, Julian. I'm sorry that I can't give you more but that's all I can give."

Julian froze in shock. He couldn't believe Logan's nerve, waltzing back in his life, begging him to take him back. He couldn't believe that no matter how much he ran, Logan always managed to catch up with him. He could feel himself giving in – resolve all but crumbling – as he watched his best friend (did that ever really change?) slowly fall apart. But he tried his best to stay strong, to keep on saying no to that part of his brain that kept on saying  _'give him another chance'_  because he couldn't just give in that easily. He owed himself, his pride, his dignity, more than that.

And he had Cameron to think about now.

"You're too late, Logan," Julian told him, as he finally found his ability to speak. He surprised himself by keeping his voice relatively steady, despite the constant assault of jumbled thoughts that was happening inside his head. He didn't know how he managed to even find the words to say. Maybe he was stronger than he made himself out to be.

"Just let me try, Julian!" Logan tried again. He almost forgot how persistent Logan was when he set his eyes on something. He never stopped until he got it. Well, this would make things difficult for Julian. "Don't push me away. Please,  _don't_. You-I might not feel the same way but I can at least try because you mean that much to me."

_What if you don't succeed?_ waswhat Julian wanted to ask. _What if all we're destined to be are best friends and nothing more? I think what you're doing is just setting us up for a more painful heartbreak than the one I'm inflicting to myself right now_. But he kept it to himself. He had something more important to say to Logan.

"No," Julian said, shaking his head. He turned away, ignoring the stricken look on Logan's face – fearing he might never get his best friend back again. "You're too late because I have someone else now."

_Someone who was here when you weren't,_ Julian thought to himself.

"W-what?" Logan blinked dumbly.  _He has someone?_ Logan thought confusedly. Then he remembered the strawberries, how Julian had held them close to his chest, how he made sure to save them despite having no appetite for them. "The strawberries?"

Julian smiled ever so slightly, the sight a refreshing sight on his normally blank face. Logan almost felt the weight lifting from his shoulders, but the dread still remained to churn at the pit of his stomach.  _He doesn't need me anymore_ , Logan thought miserably.  _He found someone else now._ Logan felt so stupid for thinking that Julian would wait for him.

"He has a fondness for them," Julian said softly, the smile still on her lips. Logan raised an eyebrow.  _So it was a boy_ , Logan thought to himself. At least he knew the out of the blue confession wasn't some sort of sexuality crisis on his part. Julian really did like boys. The thought only made his heart sink further. He carried this secret with him for years – from the people who he was supposed to be feel safe with, from the people who he shouldn't have feared would make any kind of assumption.

"You really don't need me anymore, do you?" Logan hated asking this question but Julian can't blame him. They were friends for years. They were each other's support system. The thought that Julian really didn't need him anymore send painful shocks to his heart. He couldn't handle it.

"I do!" Julian burst out before he could stop himself. Logan almost smiled.  _Almost_. Julian sighed and rubbed his forehead in frustration. "You're my best friend, Lo. And I know that I made a mess out of things when I ran away."  _Oh my God, Derek!_ Julian thought frantically.  _God knows what ran through his brain after that call._ "But I'm not going to push you out of my life anymore – if you still want to be part of it."

"Of course!" Logan shot up from his seat and grabbed Julian's hand with his uninjured one. Julian tilted his head to the side, looking at their clasped hands in wonder, trying to see how it felt to be in physical contact with the blond again. He could feel a smile creeping up to the corners of his lips but he struggled to keep them at bay. Logan had to know that he had to  _work_  his way back to Julian's life. He knew he was being unfair – he was the one who ran away after all – but his injured pride wanted that from him. And Julian, no matter how hard he tried,  _always_  listened to his pride. It was his fear of rejection that prevented him from confessing his feelings for Logan after all. "I have a lot of years worth of mistakes that I want to straighten out."

Julian raised an eyebrow. He honestly thought that Logan was kidding when he said he wanted to make it up to Julian. Logan wasn't the type to admit his mistakes. "You're really serious about that, aren't you?"

"I should've started with you," Logan said with a sigh as he released his hold on Julian's hand. Julian instantly missed the comfort that his hand had offered. "Maybe that would've made things easier with Derek." He paused and looked at Julian, taking in his confused expression. "After you left, I had realized how much of a douchebag I've been to you and Derek. I've tried my best to make it up to him. I know he appreciated it but I think he would've liked it more if you were there to see my progress." He sighed again. "I guess the saying  _you never know what you had 'til it's gone_ really is true. But better late than never, right?"

As a response, Julian let himself smile at the older boy. He watched Logan light up at the sight, knowing the smile was directed at him. "Where are you staying anyways?"

"Well, I'm waiting for the apartment to be fixed up but in the meantime, I'm staying in a hotel nearby," Logan said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. Julian wanted to offer the spare bedroom to him but he didn't think that would be fair to Cameron – or to himself. He didn't think he could handle having Logan at such a close proximity when he's vowed to make Logan work his way back into his life. "I should probably go."

Julian desperately tried to hide the disappointment in his eyes. Then he remembered that Cameron would be over soon and all inhibitions he had about Logan leaving disappeared completely. Julian nodded and led Logan out of the kitchen and walked him to the front door. He opened the door for his old friend and stared at him, not really knowing what to say. But apparently, Logan knew what to do as he surprised Julian by wrapping his arms around Julian's lean body. Julian was startled, raising his arms up in surprise, a sound of surprise catching in his throat. After a few seconds of hesitance, he hugged Logan back, reveling in the warmth that Logan offered with his body. Julian burrowed his nose at the crook of Logan's shoulder, breathing in the familiar citrusy scent of Logan's shampoo and the slight trace of sandalwood of Logan's cologne.

After a few moments, Julian slowly disentangled himself from Logan's embrace. "Derek misses you, you know?" Logan murmured softly as a hand remained on Julian's shoulder.

Julian closed his eyes, mentally telling himself to call Derek once he had the chance. (There are just some phone numbers you can never erase from your brain.) "I know. I'll give him a call when I have the chance."

Logan smiled, ever so slightly. "Yeah, he'd like that." Then he turned, made a move to walk out of the door and started his way to the elevator situated at the end of the corridor.

"Logan?" Julian called before the other boy had walked a fair distance between him and Julian. Logan turned, curiosity dancing in his eyes. It was still so strange to see so much emotion in his eyes, after years of medicated haze and anger-filled eyes. "I'm glad your meds are working."

Logan only blinked before smiling again. He could almost hear Julian's unspoken words in his head.  _I'm glad you finally got what you wanted._ "I'm glad too."

* * *

"Logan came over," Julian murmured softly. He kept quiet afterwards, expecting for the inevitable blow-up that's bound to happen. Apart from Cameron stilling in his ministrations on Julian's hair, Cameron did nothing to make it look like he was ruffled by this. They were in Julian's room, lying on the bed – well, Julian was lying on Cameron's chest. Cameron was propped up against the headboard. Julian had waited until they finished their dinner – Cameron cooked, Julian sort of helped – before telling him.

"Logan's in LA?" There was nothing but surprise in Cameron's voice, which calmed Julian somewhat. He didn't know why he thought Cameron would freak out. Cameron was nothing but understanding when it came to Julian. As a response to his question, Julian nodded. "Are you okay?"

"What?" Julian was caught off-guard by the question, looking up at the older actor in surprise. He never expected Cameron would ask about his welfare in response to Logan's arrival in LA.

"Are you okay?" Cameron said it more slowly now – making sure Julian understood his question. At Julian's confused look, Cameron sighed. "You seemed pretty banged up when you first came here in LA. It took me weeks – months even – to get you to open up to me. I'm just making sure that his reappearance in your life didn't reopen old wounds."

"N-no." Julian cleared his throat, cursing himself for stuttering. He took at deep breath and tilted his head to look at Cameron in the eye. "I'm okay. I just—he said he wanted to set things straight."

Julian felt Cameron tensing. He tried to calm the other boy by tracing idle patterns against his chest. Sure enough, after a few seconds, Cameron appeared to have calmed down. "He said he loved you, didn't he?"

Julian sighed. "Not really. He said he wanted to  _try._ "

"What did you say?" Cameron asked, almost hesitantly, as if he was afraid of the answer. Julian understood why of course. At this moment, Julian might either break up or stay with him. Considering how much Cameron knew, Julian knew that Cameron thought that the odds were not in his favor.

"I told him he was too late," Julian replied honestly. "And that I had someone now."

Cameron stayed silent but after a few moments, Julian could feel his lips press a kiss against the top of his head. Julian smiled to himself, pleased that he had quelled Cameron's nerves. He reveled in the fact that he could make Cameron happy, even if it's just for a little while. It made him feel better about himself.

"You're—you're not mad, are you?" Julian asked hesitantly, fingers curling instinctively against the older boy's shirt.

"Why would I be mad?" Cameron asked, sounding genuinely confused.

"I-I don't know," Julian said, as he sighed yet again. "I just thought that you'd be upset that he came over."

"Julian," Cameron started, chuckling slightly. Julian was surprised at that. "Why would I be mad that he came over? Sure, I was a little apprehensive when you mentioned that he was here in LA but I wasn't worried about  _my_ welfare. I was worried about yours. I just thought that his visit might've triggered something again."

Well, Julian didn't have a proper response to that. "Oh."

"Julian, I'm not going to be bothered by the fact that he visited you," Cameron said, as he continued to run a hand through Julian's hair. Julian closed his eyes at the comforting sensation. "He was – is – your best friend and I will do nothing to take that position from him. If he wants to be make things straight with you, then I'm okay with it."

"But you're—we're…" Julian huffed, cursing his inability to formulate proper sentences. He was never good at these kinds of things. He had barely been in serious relationships before and he wasn't used to this feeling. But Cameron—he was different.

"Well, I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm not a little jealous," Cameron said with a laugh, with Julian feeling the vibrations of it against his chest. "But I'm not going to suffocate you and prevent you from seeing your best friend. And if you do realize that it's  _him_  that you want, well, I'm willing to let you go." Julian found himself bristling over that last part. Did I overestimate how Cameron felt for him that he was so willing to let him go that easily? Cameron must have felt him tensing because the next thing he knew, Cameron's wrapped his arms around him. The angle was slightly awkward but they managed. "I'm not saying that I'm not going down without a fight. I'm just saying that if he's really who you want, I'm not going to force you to stay with me. I'm not going to be that guy."

"I don't deserve you," Julian whispered against Cameron's shirt.

"What was that?" Cameron asked, peering down at Julian.

Julian only shook his head, moving closer – even though it was already virtually impossible – to Cameron. "Nothing. I just—I just wanted to thank you. For everything you've done for me."

"It's what you do when you love someone, J," Cameron said, pressing another quick kiss on the top of Julian's head. Julian closed his eyes at that, welcoming the twinge in his heart that was caused by Cameron's kind words. He didn't deserve this guy. Not at all.

He tried to lose himself in he quiet peace that had settled over him and Cameron but there it was, at the back of his mind. It was nothing more than a slight whisper, a small reminder of old scars. It was urging him to stand up and retrieve the broken iPod that was in a box buried at the back of his closet. He wanted to feel that comfort that the broken gadget had offered him during difficult nights, drowning out the sound of his own blood pumping erratically in his ears, or his stuttered breaths coming in short gasps. He wanted to feel the familiar weight in his hands, the feel of the headphones against his ears, bringing him back to his Dalton days where he spent hours just listening to Logan's musical repertoire.

But he forced himself to stay. To stay here in Cameron's soft embrace, to appreciate the warm comfort that Cameron unconditionally gives him. His hands clench and unclench against Cameron's chest, trying to force themselves to adjust at the emptiness. He was so focused on distracting himself that he almost didn't feel the slight vibrations against Cameron's chest, indicating that he was speaking. He raised his head to look at Cameron.

"You miss him," Cameron stated, grazing his fingertips along Julian's jawline. Julian's eyes fluttered shut at the touch, but he still had the brain capacity to nod. He could feel Cameron's fingers stilling against his skin and the younger actor made haste to apologize but before he had the chance to, Cameron was already pressing his lips against his. "It's okay. I understand."

_No, you don't_ , Julian wanted to scream out. His heart ached at Cameron's kind and understanding nature. He never deserved Cameron. He didn't deserve the love that Cameron was selflessly offering him. More than ever, he wanted to be able to return Cameron's feelings for him. But, like always, he knew that he couldn't. It was almost ironic how the thing that had attracted him to Cameron – how the older boy was  _so_ different from the blond he left back at Dalton – was the reason why he couldn't fall in love with him.

Because Cameron was no Logan.

And at the end of the day, no matter how much he tried to deny it or bury it, Julian's heart still reached out for John Logan Wright III. No matter how much he tried to convince himself that he was over the prefect, that he didn't love him anymore, there was the itch that reminded him otherwise.

"Why do you put up with me, Cam?" Julian asked softly. He immediately regretted asking. He  _honestly_ didn't want to hear what Cameron's answer was.

"Because I love you." And there it was. There was the reminder that Julian was a despicable human being who destroyed everything he touched. He knew he could love Cameron, if he could just try.  _That's not true,_ a soft voice in his head told him. _You've been working so hard to fall in love with Cameron. You're doing everything. But he's no Logan, Jules. He's no Logan_. Julian clenched his eyes shut and snuggled closer to Cameron's body, trying to shut out all the voice in his head. "What more do I need?"

_You need me to love you back_ , Julian wanted to scream.  _Tell me you need me to love you back. Please._ He knew to himself that if only Cameron asked him that, if the other boy had showed a sign that he needed more than what Julian was giving him, he would feel slightly better. He would take comfort in the fact that Cameron knew that he had shortcomings - that he wasn't the perfect boy he was making him out to be. It was better than corrupting this pure-hearted boy, whose only mistake was falling in love with Julian – who was too broken to love anyone else back. Cameron had a tendency of wanting to fix broken things and Julian wished he had the strength to push him away. He would've saved Cameron from the pain of loving someone so broken.

Instead of responding verbally, Julian only tilted his head up and brushed his lips ever so slightly against Cameron's.

He hoped that it would be enough of an apology for the words he can never return.

* * *

Julian tugged at the tight collar of his white dress shirt before reaching up and fixing his tie. He looked immaculate in his navy blue suit, hair slicked back to a more formal style than his normal ruffled look. They - as in he and Cameron - were currently at a formal party – he barely remembered what it was for - with the rest of the Something Damaged cast. He had excused himself to the men's room – to collect himself, if he was honest – when the unexplainable nerves had gotten to him. He didn't even know why he was so nervous. It was just like every other party filled with snooty, rich and famous people he didn't know and didn't want to know – aside from the Something Damaged cast that is. He didn't know what set this party apart from everything else.

He heard footsteps behind him and he raised his eyes, meeting Cameron's gaze in the mirror. Cameron looked smart in his own black suit, his dark hair falling over his light eyes. He smiled at Julian's reflection and the younger boy found himself returning it. Cameron's eyes were twinkling in amusement, as if he was finding Julian's dishevelment – and obvious nervousness – quite adorable.

In the mirror, Julian could see it – they were quite the handsome pair.

"All right?" Cameron asked softly. Julian sighed and tugged at his tie, messing it up again. Cameron chuckled and patted Julian's shoulder, signaling him to turn to him. Julian complied, turning to face the older boy. Cameron reached up and undid the knot on Julian's tie before retying it with finesse. "What has you all jittery? You've been like this ever since we arrived at the party."

Julian shrugged, not really knowing what to say. Then the realization hit him like a ton of bricks, and he suddenly found himself barely able to breathe. Cameron's excitement, his nerves, well, it all made sense now. With the realization dawning on him, he let out a shaky breath. "It's our first official appearance as a couple."

Cameron smiled softly, smoothening the creases on Julian's suit. "Yes it is."

The moment he said it, the moment Cameron replied in assent, the moment everything seemed  _so real_ , everything prior to him rushing into the men's room came crashing back at him. The complete pandemonium outside when he and Cameron stepped outside the same vehicle, arriving at the event together, the countless of pictures snapped by the paparazzi, the reporters begging for an interview or two, the murmurs from the guests as Julian remained glued to the older boy's side at all time with Cameron's arm wrapped firmly around his waist, their cast member sharing knowing smiles with each other – it was like watching a movie through an invisible screen that only he could see.

Carmen had long since let Julian date Cameron, releasing a public statement that explicitly stated Julian's sexuality. Surprisingly enough, the announcement barely hurt his career. He had gained more fans – and okay, more haters too but that part was inevitable – and the support from his pre-existent fan-base was completely overwhelming. It reminded him of the reason why he loved being an actor so much.

It was all too much. Julian had tried to put off any kind of public appearance together, and the only concrete proof that they were even together were the rare candids that the paparazzi had managed to take. And if he was being honest to himself, Julian had been putting off the public appearances because it just made everything so official. There wasn't official word out if Julian was dating anyone at the moment and when they appear at the event at the same time, well, it wouldn't take a genius to figure things out.

And when things were official and public, the repercussions of their possible break-up would be even more consequential. If he did manage to break Cameron's heart, the backlash would be monumental. Every consequence of Julian's lie –  _you didn't lie at all,_ a voice inside Julian's head reminded him.  _You never said you loved him._ – loomed over him like a black cloud. The pressure of staying with Cameron, of making himself love the older boy, even though Cameron had told him time and time again not to feel pressure to reciprocate his feelings, completely doubled.

And Julian almost staggered under the weight on his shoulders.

"Hey, you okay?" Cameron asked worriedly as he placed gentle hands on Julian's shoulders. Julian managed a shaky nod, leaning back against the sink, focusing on keeping his breathing steady. He could barely look at Cameron in the eye, feeling the self-loathing eating up at him from the inside out. He knew it would only worsen when he saw the blatant concern that the older boy had for him, and only him. Cameron's eyebrows furrowed, as if he was trying to understand why the younger boy was acting this way. When he reached a conclusion, his shoulders visibly slumped. "You—you're regretting coming out as a couple, aren't you?"

"What? No!" Julian hastily said, hands flying up to cup Cameron's face. Julian felt his heart ache at the amount of sadness, insecurity and fear in the older boy's eyes. Sometimes he cursed how easily he could read the emotions on the older actor's face. It made everything so much harder for him. Julian may not love Cameron in the way the older boy needed him to but he still loved the older boy. He cared deeply for him. And to see the amount of fear in his eyes made his heart ache. "I like being with you, Cameron. It's just that…I'm worried."

"Worried about what?" Cameron asked softly, eyebrows furrowing as he tried to understand.

"When we officially come out to the public," Julian started slowly, carefully choosing his words. Technically, he wasn't lying. These pressing issues really were in his mind. He just chose to omit a few certain facts. "We're opening ourselves up to the vultures also known as the media. They will poke and prod at our personal lives, pecking away at everything we try to keep to ourselves. I like the quiet, Cam. I'm used to the quiet. And when this all blows up, just think of the amount of reporters clamoring to get a single picture or an interview. It will be a mob-fest." Julian stayed quiet, letting Cameron process all of this. He must've had his own worries. They didn't have to deal with the fall-out of coming out, considering they  _never_ explicitly stated what their sexual orientation was. They just let the media assume what it was. But he, at least, had to have worries about the possible – more than usual - breach of their privacy. It was the price they paid for being famous. "But I don't regret it, Cam. Not at all."

"I'm ready to face them, J," Cameron assured the younger boy. "I know what will come when we come out and my team is ready to deal with every other possible repercussion. I just—I'm willing to sacrifice anything for you."

Julian could almost hear the unasked ' _are you_?' in the silence. So he mustered his biggest smile and nodded. "Then I don't have anything to worry about anymore." He held out his hand, waiting for Cameron to take it. "Are you ready for this?"

"I should be asking you that question," Cameron replied with a small smile. He took Julian's hand anyways and they walked out to the din of the party like that – hand in hand. Cameron had only fleetingly released Julian's hand to grab two flutes of champagne from a passing waiter. He offered one to Julian, winking at him, and the younger boy just shook his head in amusement and accepted the drink. They both looked for the rest of the cast, engaging in short conversations with the guests along the way, with Cameron keeping an arm around Julian's waist to keep him close.

When they finally found the rest of the Something Damaged cast, Julian had set aside his now empty flute. He rushed back to Cameron's side, who was excusing himself from a middle-aged woman he was conversing with so they could return to their group together. The arm around his waist returned and they walked towards the cast. But what Julian saw made him freeze, causing Cameron to stop as well. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand and squinted, trying to see if he had merely imagined it. He had only finished  _one_  flute of champagne. He hadn't even drunk it that fast. He couldn't be inebriated yet, right?

Surely it wasn't Logan Wright talking to Isabel. Right?

Julian glanced at Cameron, looking to see his reaction. The older boy had his head tilted to the side, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Then, after a few moments, the arm around his waist tensed.

Looking back and forth between Logan, who had finally spotted them, and Cameron, who he couldn't decide if he was angry or what, Julian grabbed another flute of champagne – downing its contents in one go. _Fuck the law_ , he couldn't do this sober.

They walked over to their friends, causing bits and pieces of Isabel's conversation with Logan. He heard things like ' _oh, Julian doesn't mention his school life that much'_ from Isabel and ' _he dropped out, yeah'_ and  _'just trying to catch up with an old friend_ ' from Logan. He smiled at Julian and Cameron as they approached, taking note of the arm around Julian's waist.

"Logan Wright," Logan said, holding out his hand for Cameron to shake.

"Cameron Pike," Cameron said with a pleasant smile, shaking Logan's hand. Julian marveled at the lack of tension in the air. It was what he liked the most about Cameron. He didn't find the need to create or cause any drama when it could be avoided. Nathan chose that moment to intervene, to pull Isabel and Cameron away. Cameron excused himself, throwing a smile at Logan before pecking Julian on the cheek and went off to join Nathan and Isabel.

"What are you doing here, Lo?" Julian asked conversationally, trying to hide the panic in his tone.

Logan only smiled softly, eyes twinkling, silently asking if Julian didn't want him there. After a few moments, he merely shrugged. "Father's the one who was actually invited. But, you know, he was too busy to come. I originally didn't want to take his place since I was sure that I would know no one there but Michelle mentioned that the Something Damaged cast would be there." Logan shrugged again. "I thought it would be fine for me to go considering I know one person there." Logan paused, as if he was looking for something else to say. "You didn't mention that you were such close friends with your cast members."

"I tried to keep my school life and celebrity life separate," Julian said smoothly.

Logan raised an eyebrow. He glanced at Cameron before looking at Julian again. "That's him, huh?"

Julian pursed his lips, trying to decipher what Logan's tone meant. "Yeah, that's him."

Logan smiled more gently now, taking a step towards Julian. "He makes you happy," Logan observed, tilting his head to the side. Julian sighed and nodded. "I'm glad. You deserve someone who could make you happy."

Julian ignored the ache in his heart, looking at Logan straight in the eyes – trying to find any amount of lie in his eyes. He found none, only an inexplicable amount of sadness. Julian was forced to look away when he spotted the pain that accompanied the sadness, almost begging him to prove him wrong. To prove to him that Cameron didn't make him happy. But it was the truth – Cameron made him happy. He just wasn't the guy he needed.

"I guess I only realized how much I wanted to be with you until it was too late," Logan murmured, taking a sip of his champagne. Julian closed his eyes, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to keep the breaking pieces of his heart from falling apart all over again. It never failed to amaze him just how much Logan still had a tremendous amount of power over him. He could put him together and make him fall apart in one single sentence. He didn't even notice that he was crying until Logan reached out and brushed his hand against his cheek, murmuring softly. "Look at how wrong I really am for you. I still make you hurt."

Julian wanted to shake his head – to tell him that he was wrong. To tell him that this pain he felt was  _all him_. To tell him that he was hurting because he could have him, he could  _have_ Logan, and he wanted him so much but he wasn't willing to hurt Cameron to do so. He could love Cameron, it wasn't that hard to fall in love with the older boy, but he wanted Logan so much. He wanted to be with him, he really did. He wanted to do all the things he did with Cameron, only with him. Logan was finally within grasping distance. All he had to do was reach out and grab him.

But Logan was right, he too late.

Because Logan only realized how much he meant to him when he left, when he wasn't there anymore. But Cameron knew it from the start. Cameron had him at his worst, yet still loved him. Logan had him at his best, yet he still chose to break his heart.

But God, Julian was so willing to forgive him for all his faults, for not calling, for coming in too late. Because, despite his constant denials, the ache in his heart told him just how desperately in love he was still with the blond.

Julian was distracted from the opening notes of a familiar song, laughing bitterly at the accuracy of it at that moment. It was one of his favorites in Logan's iPod, often finding himself lost in the notes and words of the song. Logan's hand still remained on his cheek, wiping the tears that still fell from Julian's eyes. He was smiling sadly, listening to the song, heart aching at how unfortunately perfect the song was.

_you only know what I want you to_

_I know everything you don't want me to_

_oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine_

_you think your dreams are the same as mine_

"I'm leaving, just so you know," Logan murmured softly. Julian's eyes blurred even more with tears at the admission. "I-I wasn't sure if I should - I honestly just came here to see if I should - but after I saw the way you were with him. God you looked so peaceful. I-I don't want to destroy that. I owe you that much. God, Julian." Julian stifled a sob at the way Logan's voice broke at the last words. "You deserve someone who makes you happy – someone who loves you, someone who knew you were there since the very beginning. I don't deserve you, Jules. I don't deserve a chance to love you. Because, God, you've been through enough with me."

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

_I always will_

Logan backed away suddenly, eyes fixated on someone behind Julian. Julian hastily wiped his eyes, hiding all traces of pain, fixing his face in a perfect façade. He looked behind him and saw Cameron looking worriedly at him. Shaking his head almost imperceptibly, begging him not to ask, Cameron nodded and held out his hand.

"Care to dance?" Cameron asked softly. Julian looked at his outstretched hand, before looking back at Logan. The other boy merely nodded, as if granting him permission. His eyes clearly said the things he wanted to say.  _Go. Be happy. Be with the one who deserves you. Be with the one who loves you more than I ever could._

Julian took Cameron's hand and let him take him to the center of the room, where countless of couples were already swaying to the music. He could spot Marcie and Patrick dancing, chatting amicably. Julian turned to Cameron and placed a hand on his shoulder while the older boy's hand placed itself on his waist. Their free hands were intertwined. Julian leaned his chin against Cameron's shoulder, pressing himself closer to the older boy.

_I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back_

_the less I give the more I get back_

_oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise_

_I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you_

Julian opened his eyes, meeting Logan's eyes from across the room. Logan smiled ruefully at him, raising his flute of champagne. Without breaking eye contact, Logan tipped the contents in his mouth, before setting the glass aside. Then, he turned on his heel and started to walk out of the party.

Julian's watched him go. His hand on Cameron's shoulder tightened, body tensing. Every instinct of his body was telling him to go. To run after Logan, to beg him to stay. To let him love him. To give him that chance. To let himself get the one thing he wanted the most. But his brain told him to stay, to love Cameron, to  _not_  hurt him, to be selfless, to…

"Go," Cameron murmured softly, pulling away slightly to look at Julian. He stepped backward, letting Julian go. "Run after him."

Julian's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I don't understand."

"You want him, J," Cameron said with a sad smile. "But you keep on telling yourself you can't have him because of me. Don't let me get in the way of your happiness.  _Go_."

All that was left of Julian's resolved completely crumbled away. "I'm so sorry," he murmured, stepping towards Cameron and pressing a kiss to his cheek. Cameron closed his eyes, letting the tears fall. Julian wiped the tears from his cheeks barely whispering his thanks before he took off and ran after Logan.

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

"You did the right thing," Nathan said, suddenly appearing beside Cameron. Cameron looked down and nodded his head in assent, letting the tears fall freely.

It hurt a lot but the pain was worth seeing Julian gain his happiness.

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

_oh I don't love you but I always will_

_I always will, I always will_

_I always will, I always will_

Julian ran like hell, trying to catch up with Logan. He looked around frantically, trying to gain sight of the blond. He watched Logan walk out of the front door, and he panicked. He ran down the marble staircase – truthfully, he was surprise he didn't fall down – calling out to Logan to " _wait! Fucking wait!"_ but Logan couldn't hear him.

When he finally reached outside, he caught sight of Logan starting to enter his vehicle. Julian ran as fast as he could, and he took a deep breath. As loud as he could, he yelled…

"OI, YOU SQUID!"

That seemed to do the job as Logan froze, turning his head in his direction in surprise. He ducked his head inside, probably asking the limo driver to wait, before he shut the door and started to walk towards Julian. Julian was panting heavily and he probably looked like a mess but he didn't care, he realized, as he walked towards Logan.

When they met halfway, Logan only raised his eyebrow in amusement as if asking " _Squid? Really, Julian_?"

"Oh shut up," Julian said, rolling his eyes. "It got your attention, didn't it?"

"What are you doing here, Jules?" Logan asked instead.

"Did you honestly think you can get away that easily for breaking my heart?  _Twice_?" Julian asked. He didn't even let Logan answer. "Actually,  _not_  just twice. There was Anderson, then Tipton, then Hummel. So that's already thrice. Then, when you ran away when I confessed my feelings for you – that's another time. And then, when you fucking said you wanted to be with me but then proceeded to tell me that you were going to leave. Do you honestly think there were no repercussions?" Logan opened his mouth, trying to get a word it. "You just keep on breaking my heart, don't you Lo? You have to make sure that there was nothing else to give to someone else. You're so fucking selfish, Lo. You just keep on saying things, not thinking about the effect they can have. You broke me so much that Cam could barely fix me. But he did. He fixed me. And you're right, you don't deserve me because you don't deserve to have something you keep on breaking."

Logan just kept quiet, ignoring the lump forming in his throat, making no move to brush the tears falling from his eyes. He deserved this. He deserved to know what Julian really thought of him. He was expecting Julian to say that he was right in his decision to leave, that he never should've showed up in LA in the first place.

Which was why Julian's next words completely knocked the breath out of him.

"Yet, I'm letting you have me, Lo," Julian murmured softly. Logan raised his eyes, startled at the watery smile Julian was offering him. "You can have me, even though you keep on breaking me. Because I want you. I denied it ever since I came here but  _God,_ I want you so bad, Lo. And if you're willing to give this a chance, then I'm taking it. If you have a tiny sliver of love, that is not platonic, for me then I'm holding on to that. I'll let you try. You deserve a chance."

"What about Cameron?" Logan asked, walking towards Julian.

Julian reached out and cupped his face, resting his forehead against Logan's. "Cameron wants me to be happy. Don't let his sacrifice go to waste."

"God, I won't," Logan whispered, tilting Julian's head so he could look at him straight in the eyes. "I won't."

With that, Logan pressed his lips against Julian's. Julian shivered at the contact, so overwhelmed by the amount of emotions he felt at that moment. It was everything he could ever want and more. He never expected kissing Logan would feel this way. There was a tingling sensation that started at the tip of his toes, working its way to the end of his fingertips.

Logan may not love him in the same degree that Julian loved him but this kiss, this kiss was his promise.

It was his promise to be willing to love Julian unconditionally. His promise never to hurt him ever again. His promise never to take Julian for granted ever again. His promise to never let Julian go. His promise to not let Cameron's sacrifice go to waste. His promise to make up for all the times he broke Julian's heart. His promise to just keep on trying to love Julian even more.

When they finally broke away, Logan rested his forehead against Julian's. Chuckling slightly, Julian was the first to speak. "Though I swear to God, Lo, if you break my heart again, I will disappear from your life."

"I won't," Logan murmured, fleetingly pressing his lips against Julian's again. "I won't." He stayed quiet but spoke again after a few moments. "Do you still love me, Jules?"

Julian chuckled softly before replying.

_"I always will."_


End file.
